Life is feeling like one big drinking song and I like it!

I think I can be somewhat pyschotic in my emotions. And I think it runs in my family too. I get jealous, so much so. It's really not nice and though it shows that I really do care about someone, it is more a selfish care than what love should really be about. I noticed this in myself a good couple of years ago now but only recently have I said to myself that such emotions you can work on. I don't mean you can make them go away but you can control how you act on them. I haven't mastered this yet but I believe I am on my way there. I sometimes see someone with the money to do something I would have dreamed of and instead of being bitter I just see it as something to work towards.

I think we label ourselves too much. I was so eager to prove to myself and to the rest of the world that I was a free spirit, but is feeling like you need to do such a thing to live up to a reputation you may have created necessarily the most free spirited way to be living? I have next week off from uni and though it could be a great opportunity to plan a trip away I am quite excited to explore the streets that make this city my home. I used to think you had to travel far to create an epic adventure or you had to have photos to prove your fun times but to hell with that. Next week is going to be for me and not for anyone else and that excites me so much.

I haven't used my camera much yet and sometimes I think that's a good thing. My good friend Mel though made a good point a couple of years ago now that whether or not you share your pictures with people, having them there will in fact keep that day's memory strong for years to come. I like that idea.

I don't have too much to update you with as its been pretty hectic with school life and the epic commute but I definitely am feeling more part of this city than ever before. Every day I cycle the roads in rush hour, grab the tube to the district our uni is in and then bus it to class ... and of course have to do the same for my return home. My bike has found its daily spot at the the tube station as it waits for me to go about my day's tasks and is always happily waiting for my return. Its quite a lovely feeling getting off the tube after the sometimes painfully long hours of Chinese to find two wheels and a little seat for your bum to perch on instead of having to walk back - I don't care if that makes me lazy - it's a good lazy; In years to come I will tell my grandchildren that it kept me involved in the day to day culture of Chinese habits.

I started writing this post at the beginning of the week and since then I may have booked tickets to Inner Mongolia - maybe the whole free spirited thing I do like - who knows. Either way, I'm happy knowing that it feels like I'm going to make the most of being in this incredible country this year as much as I did last time and I can't wait for it to continue.

Mongolian inspired tales to hopefully come shortly! x

  

Mistakes and Miracles

Today I faced a dilemma. A friend asked me a question in which I didn’t have the guts, the balls, the confidence -  the courage to reply in honesty. I don’t know if its better to tell a lie or to not say anything. I think that’s my problem a lot of the time, I question how other people will receive who it is I am, what it is I do, believe, say - So instead I hide behind a façade and truth be told I think its common in all of us, even if you don’t know it.

I haven’t written a post for close to a month now and though not purposefully so it has allowed me the time to think about how I see the Chinese Capital. I think the reason why I fell in love with this place is because it doesn’t act how we often do. When I say “it” I think I am including the people in this. I know you can’t generalise a whole city – never mind one of the worlds most populated, but in Beijing I feel like my surroundings, everything that this city’s day to day life is based on, is not trying to think of other people before itself but evolving or even just continuing its state of being how it knows best.

Sometimes I see it being a good thing. People spit here. I kind of love this. If you’ve been to Beijing you will understand that spitting really should be considered an art, a skill. It starts with a gathering in your mouth but this can’t softly be rounded up; there has to be a pull, a drag from the back of your throat which extends in to somewhat of a roar, a bellow from quite deep within … there is an aim, usually to your side as to avoid targeting other people (most the time) and a power in the grand finale exit. I love Beijing spitting not because I have some sort of weird fetish for saliva but because Beijingers and most of China don’t see it as something bad. You’re letting out the unhealthyness, the shit that basically shouldn’t remain in your body. In particular after the Olympics (where spitting was banned from buses) it became more well known that public spitting isn’t an international and most definitely not a western concept – but this doesn’t affect such habits. I have respect for that. There seems to be a belief in themselves and their ways; maybe it’s a pride. It’s not cocky – In fact some of the most humble people I have ever met have been here – but it’s a sort of confidence in knowledge. I hope to have this one day.

I’m sure a blog specifically about Beijing or China would be incredibly fascinating but I know how many better writers there are out there than me so forgive me if I sound selfish just talking about how I feel instead. Strangely enough I’m going to follow that sentence by telling you that I just can’t feel anything. I don’t know what is happening to my mind or my body but I feel so in limbo. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s not saddening. I love it here and I love it in other places too. I don’t think I am questioning where I am, or even who I am, it just feels a little like this is a stepping stone in which I don’t know what it is I am here for. Of course there is my degree, but practicalities aside, I don’t think I know right now where I’m at as an individual.  

I’m sure you all know what its like, probably more than me, to put all your energy in to something. That was my London last year and I hate that it feels like everything I did was a waste. I put everything I had, all my belief in to someone who ended up being no one and though I don’t pain for them, it has made me emotionally drained to want to try again, and I hate that, I hate them for it. How dare they eat in to what my Beijing journey should continue to be. I’m glad I know this now as it means I can hopefully move on soon – I’m not in denial. I just think last year’s failure has caused this year’s false start. Hate is a strong word, I’m probably being melodramatic.

I am so lucky to be in this incredible city that has and will teach me so much. I’m meeting new people but am also here with my best friend. I'm returning to places I already love but also get to visit all the wonderments my eyes have not yet had the chance to be amazed by. I don’t think many people get that chance, and so I do want to make the most of it – I’ve promised to myself I will – I just wish my head and my heart would quickly reunite and beginning macking those tracks together before its too late. I don’t want to waste this year either.

I hope, especially if you’re my close family,  that this doesn’t come across like I am sad. I am far from it. I have smiled and laughed genuinely every day since I have been here - but I think I’m over thinking things. I’m sure we all have those days, moments, stages in our lives where we don’t feel picture perfect – it doesn’t necessarily mean we need to worry – I assume sometimes you just have to live through it to make you ready for whatever is to next to come I think. I’m hoping that’s the case :)

And if not it seems we're going to have enough Chinese work from Uni to keep my mind distracted from however bad I'm feeling! I'm quite excited for this too though so who knows maybe it could actually be my saviour! Night for now. 

It is 3.36am on our second morning in Sweden. It seems that as in London my mind has kept in the habit of waking at first sign of light despite the fact that the sun seems to be rising a good 5 hours before the time I am used to! I am debating whether or not to go out for a jog but don’t yet want to tire myself out before the day has even started. Maybe in an hour or so.

I don’t know how I can successfully describe in words the beauty that is Sweden (or at least the Sweden we have been lucky enough to visit so far). Last night when walking back to the little house I am sleeping in, I looked up to spot the moon but instead came across more stars than I have seen in my life, and I am someone who has spent many a night star gazing! Whilst driving from one town to another I look out of the window to see more the fir trees taller than the highest skyscrapers you can imagine, and there are thousands of them too.  Even when walking up the path to the family house we have been invited to it seems that my nose tingles with excitement from the scents of the freshest harvest I again have ever come across, though in this case I must admit I do not often go around smelling harvests! I think after this trip I will do so more often. 

The Views of Norrby's Fields and Lake.

You can’t deny that this area of Sweden, as for many other parts of the country I am sure, has money or wealth of some sort and I used to believe I would prefer to visit countries that may be a little less well off (was this me being ignorant for adventure and experience?) but what has dawned on me is that this affluence doesn’t seemed to have changed the beautiful values that Sweden has grown up with. Family is important, and not in a political and “pressure of duty” way like I believe many indian families will come across on a day to day basis, but instead they have pure appreciation, respect and love for those that mean something to them. Maybe anyone who has this element in life is blessed with a different type of wealth, maybe that’s why everyone seems so happy here and not because of the fortune of Swedish kroners they sit on…though a combination of the two must be nice!

We are here to say goodbye to Nai and though it could have felt a little daunting at first the idea of her being all the way in Scandinavia, visiting the country and meeting her beautiful friends and their families seems to have reassured both my Nanima (grandma) and my immediate family of any doubts we could have ever have had before. In fact now it makes so much sense why she wanted to move! How could you not fall in love with such a healthy happy country?

Mum and Daughter on a Swedish Summer's Day

We have now landed in Stockholm …. More Sweden Posts Definitely To Come …. But I keep finding only a few moments here or there to connect to internet!

Mi Casita en la belleza que es España

Its been a while since I've written a proper post. Its not because I haven't been enjoying life, in fact I think my lack of writing may be due to a happy acceptance of life in a spanish summer. After moving from London and the buzz of city life I am sure at first I felt the need to convince myself I was filling my time with events and moments that would then justify my reason for leaving the cool capital and this blog in hindsight will have acted as evidence of that. Now, I realise it is a fantastic way to remind myself that life is cool wherever you are. I'm pretty lucky to have youth, health and happiness on my side so why should I feel the need to compete different parts of my life against each other.

Its rather weird to think that having settled into a little bit of a routine; going for nightly swims and jogs, creating  rather epic lunch time salads and evening experimental vegan delights, exploring our magical city and its surroundings on weekends .... I now am packing to move away again. This weekend will be the last one that my family spends together in Alicante (ie the three of us) in a good year. I really don't understand where the time has gone...

Its been a lovely couple of weeks after Nai's graduation filled with cuddles from new born babies which just catapulted me in to a mood of broodiness and complete and utter fascination that everyday we bring in to the world these beautiful tiny little beings who so innocently just lie in their mum or dad's arms not yet knowing that there is a whole world out there further a field than the boobies of one's mum. We also got to celebrate my dad's birthday which I seem to had forgotten last year but gladly we could make up for it in style! With walks along one of our coast's most stunning beaches, paella by the harbour, mojiots in a newly discovered  and rather generous happyhour bar and ending the weekend with a perfectly spiced tarka daal - what more could you ask for when you have good company, good food, good drink and a perfect location?

I used to think I could never move back to Spain and that as much as I loved the place, it would feel like I was taking a step backwards. Though of course I want to see and experience as much of the world as possible and plan to make this happen, I've come to realise that there is no way I couldn't be happy here.

I hope I write another post before leaving for Sweden but if not than at least it is in writing how much I have enjoyed my time in this little gem that is my home in Spain :) 

Everybody's Smiling In The Sunlight :)

This picture above has become one of my favourite pictures of all time. I have to admit we have quite a few keen photographers in the family so there are lots of pics to choose from but this snapshot from the weekend   makes me smile every time I see it. I have for so long had this gorgeous numpty in my life. She's an intelligent inspiration who at the same time can be the silliest billy I know! Though we have our disagreements and bickering debates which can often be solved by a good old foot fight I also know how much I respect her opinion. This is me and my auntie Nai. For those of you who don't know our family too well Naieya is my mum's youngest sister. With just four years between us we were often when younger and are still sometimes mistaken for sisters when out together as a family ... I think that's the reason I love this pic so much. It seems to have captured us as niece and aunt, two sisters and close friends. I love that I can look at it and see a million memories we have shared together up until this point and though we are now going to be living lives even more further apart than ever before I'm quite excited to see how we will catch up and keep in each other's lives! I love this pic because it reminds me how cool it is to have a pretty awesome family. 

Important Stepping Stones Are Surprisingly Beautiful

I love when you realise that you are over someone. Of course when you have had feelings for another person the memories of them will never leave you. You may look back and smile at how you once regarded them, how you thought you wouldn't meet someone like them again ... but there is nothing like the relief of knowing you are over that unrequited love. I am not going to write a long passage about the person I have spent so long caring for because I quite frankly no longer thing they are worth it. I did want to write something though, mainly because I want to know that I can look back at this post and remember the evening when I realised I was happy to be me and very much happy to not need anyone around me, by my side, to make that me complete. I am my own person and I hope one day to find someone to share my life with but for now I am utterly content with what I've got! Couldn't have been a better start to the week :) x

Once You've Learnt To Fly, Coming Down Must Be The Hardest Thing.

I’ve been in a bit of a mood all week and for this reason haven’t felt the desire to write anything but today it struck me that emotions are valid no matter whether positive or not. I should be allowed to write how I feel even if it isn’t the cheery, bubbly Krish I would like to be.

At first I thought I was getting tired of being in Spain. I love this country but it is no longer where my life takes place. This summer is a wonderful break and time to spend with the family before my travels start again but it is a little like being in limbo. I have so many memories and connections with this house, these roads, the scenery but we have both moved on. The people I once knew are no longer here and the people that are here I do not know. I have had a life for the past twelve months in London and I will return to China to start a fresh there but for the mean time I am somewhere I know I will not be staying and that can be a little frustrating for the mind.

Though I think the above makes complete sense I have come to realise that this feeling of needing escape is in fact a pattern in what I have lived of my life so far. I unexpectedly fell in love with the city of London but that doesn’t mean I cherished every moment there. I can without a doubt say I will have left the city at least once a month; to get a chance to breathe, to be exposed to skies that aren’t towered over by grey buildings, to wake up and not hear monstrous traffic jams in which the sirens of ambulances or police cars have no way of moving, to see cows in fields and remember that green grass does in fact exist …
Again, though I loved my time in Beijing I do recall on numerous occasions the cravings for a half decent baguette of bread, a hug from someone familiar, my mum’s home cooking – those comforts you never really think about until they’re not there…

I was this week this told that some people forget to appreciate the present. They either reminisce so much on the past that nothing can ever compare to what experience they have already had or they  long for what is to come; always working to achieve that goal, or to reach their destination, but in fact the only thing we can control and the only thing that does exist is what we have now. I think I do appreciate and am grateful for the life I lead this very day but and maybe this but is down to my age or my position in life at the moment, I think I still have in my mind that free spirit that can’t just stay in one position and be happy sitting tight.

Today is good friend of mine’s birthday and I can’t be with him to celebrate. With me being so selfishly miserable for the past few days I haven’t even taken the time out to send his card. Though I have realised this week that I need not deny my feelings because they represent us as a unique person ie no one can have the thoughts that are yours, you may share similar ideas or even agree on certain occasions, but what is in your mind or heart or gut or wherever you like to believe our feelings come from, these cannot be anyone else’s… Though I accept this now, I have realised that I still have so much to learn about controlling how you then deal with these feelings. To have a thought is one thing but to act on it when it will have a resulting effect on those you actually care about that is something I still need to learn to have more of a hold on. 

A good friend of mine sent me a song today, You Always Hurt The One You Love. It’s rather apt really because I seem to have over the years taken my insecurities out on the people that mean the most to me so if that is in fact you then for now please take it as a compliment to the closeness of our relationship and I hope that one day soon I will have it in me to just be honest without being an utter bitch or frequent user of the classic silent treatment and mumbling grunts.

It’s a beautiful song so if you have three minutes spare in your day you really should take a listen.  Enjoy the rest of your Sunday and here's to the new week ahead. 

The Mysteries Of Our Home

Having lived in Spain for nearly eight years now it gives me great joy in knowing that our family can still explore the local lands and find something new. It must be really easy to settle into a place and for it rightly so to become home and not a novelty but on the same hand it scares me to think that this ease could so quickly become routine and the lack of adventure and then a bore or something and somewhere you no longer find enjoyable. I'm so grateful to think that this isn't me and it's not my family either. 

A little piece of China seeing the beauty of Spain.

Today we discovered Las Cuevas de Canelobre. They are our local mountain caves. Though it at first seemed a shame that taking pictures are forbidden when enterring it soon made sense as to why. We have lived here for so many years now and have only just come across this genuinely magical piece of nature. I think by keeping it hidden and away from the tackiness that tourism can sometimes be - you're maintaining that simple beauty.

Mi Padre y Yo.

The Undamaged Beauty of The Alicante Landcape

These caves, now over seven million years old, and discovered by the Arabs in the 7th century could only be accessed until World War Two by a little hole in the mountains. When Spain was controlled by the republican army the caves became a secret factory where pilot jets were manufactured meaning an official entrance was created for the planes to then exit from. As we walked amongst the crystallised stalagmites and under the glowing formations that funnily enough somehow have come to resemble dragons' heads, Barcelona's La Sagrada Familia and even The Virgin Mary, it was just dreamlike to think that we were surrounded by an overwhelming fusion of nature and history...

It's now nearly midnight and the day could not have ended more perfectly. Following our wonderful trip today not only did we even get a little beach side stroll but more importantly Spain has just won the Euro 2012 Final! Having cheered for this country and it's team since the age of 12 I have never been so proud to watch them make history. It's yet again been another day this summer of realising just how lucky I am to have my home and family here.

Thinking Of The Horizon

A power cut took out our phone and internet connection on Friday night and we’ve lasted a good few days without it now! I don’t know the ins and outs of the physics behind it to be honest as I’m far from a scientist but I do know that those moments of being disconnected from your world orientated around the computer can be quite refreshing.  In a way it has made the days much longer and I like this feeling.  Moments of glimpsing at someone’s Facebook profile haven’t turned in to hours but instead we’ve got out, made the most of our time together as a family, and actually talked to one another.

It was my first Friday here with the family and we celebrated in what is apparently the new end of week tradition with a trip to our local Italian where mum is complimented by the waiter and offered free mojitos whilst dad and I were happy with the football on in the background! Though unfortunately Greece didn’t hammer Germany – which we thought would be nice for them given their economic situation – we did have a wonderful evening. It was nothing out of the ordinary but that is what I loved about it so much. Laughter about those things that we always laugh about…

As much as Friday was a good start to the weekend nothing could beat our Saturday afternoon. I sat on a rock, at what felt like the edge of the world. The waves, thousands of them, having trekked across the Mediterranean were finally reaching the shores, with this calmness to their roars as they subtly thumped against me, my toes, my legs, as if they were excited to just reach home. Only a couple of hours before we had spent the morning with a family friend who is now old now and though it seems scary to admit probably doesn’t have much time left with us.  I see her and the life she has lived and feel inspired. She was the first Spanish woman to leave our town, to go abroad, to study in a university – where she went on to lecture, to teach others, she travelled the world and she smiled as she did so. What is sad to see is that talking to her, and seeing her now, she is someone who only sees herself in the light of which she is presented today;  as someone who needs to be fed, who needs help to move, who doesn’t have long left and with the time that she does have – what can she do but just sit and wait? My dad has always told me that we as a society don’t realise how difficult it must be to get old, to have lived a life where you were in control of yourself and your actions and suddenly one day you wake up and you’re dependent on others and the people around you and you don’t know why, for what reason you are now living – and I think he’s right. But if anything, knowing this just makes me want to make most of the time in which I have the ability to feel happy now. I slate modern technology so much, even in this blog post I talk of how refreshing it is to have a no internet but I am such a big hypocrite as I’m using a computer to type away, to communicate, to keep in touch right now. And truth be told maybe it is a good thing too. Though it can be used in the wrongs ways or without moderation which can be unhealthy, it’s allowing me to easily keep track of what I have done, what I’m proud of. Maybe when I’m eighty which I hope I do get to, when I’m sitting being fed, I can have all these moments of my youth, of growing up, in front of me – easy to access – easy to see that if one day soon I am to pass, then I can go happily knowing and remembering that I’ve done a good job with the life I was given. Of course I could be wrong - maybe until we get there we don’t realise how difficult it is. I don’t have an answer to my query, I don’t even know where this thought is leading but I do know that when I sat on that rock, I felt so unbelievably happy to exist.

I always try and convince my parents to move away from Spain, to continue seeing more of the world but then when I was sat on the coast on Saturday I genuinely felt like I could just be there forever. I felt like I'd found that place that was accepting me for me ... To be honest I couldn't think of anywhere more perfect to spend my time before the crazy year that lies ahead ...

Happy Summer Solstice Everyone :)

I woke up and this was the view from my front door though those of you who know our house well will know that we also have a slightly uglier view from our house if you look in the other direction but I am happy with tilting my head to the right every time I need to walk out of the door :-)

My mum and I went in to our local town of Santa Pola last night and bought a few herbs for the garden. I woke up this morning and felt the need to make sure I watered the rosemary. I for so long was mocked by my father (and probably still am) for being a “lazy so and so” but this morning a little part of me exited my body and just watched what I was doing. It sounds so simple but a couple of years ago I probably would have forgotten that we’d even bought any sort of plant! Of course only time will tell as to whether I care enough to water it every day but I like to know that I’ve started with good intentions.

Though it is wonderful to be back in Spain it feels slightly odd. As much as the town that I live in holds wonderful memories of me and the time I spent here growing up and my house remains one of the places I am most comfortable in the world, it is surreal to come back to a place where your life no longer continues. I went to an international school in Spain where people come and go like mass manufactured pop songs meaning most the friends I did make and even their families no longer live here. I used to think I was one who could go out and meet people without the need to know anyone but now I’ve come to the conclusion that I only like to do this when I know I have a secure circle to go back to if all else fails – maybe that’s selfish of me? So here, right now, in my Spanish life of 2012, I am watching my mum have more of a social life than me! I quite like this though; it makes me think that when I am married and have my own children who seem to have all grown up, I will still be cool – socialising, happy, making the most of life. Even as I was typing this paragraph I was summoned up to my mother’s room to do up the zip to her “summer is now here and we show this by wearing white” dress. She is off out, dining with friends in what feels like a Santa Pola version of a Sex and the City catch up! And me, my plans for the evening: another swim, a little more music, rustle something up in the kitchen (of course with our newly bought basil leaves) and play a little more guitar?

Definitely the sexiest señora of Santa Pola!

Once upon a time, in fact only a few months ago, I was the one getting dressed up, hitting the town, and now even the people I always thought would be here seemed to have begun their own paths … I am happy for them though :-) … and even grateful. Just because I sit here and type about being on my own most the day, it doesn’t actually mean I’m sad. I have loved being able to listen to my own music, not be worried about anyone hearing & hating the racket I make when I attempt to play the guitar and even not having anyone swim faster than me in the pool. It sounds silly but I think maybe this summer I’m getting the time and the space I needed to just learn to be comfortable with me :)

Hasta Luego Londres....Hello Spain...

Saturday 16^th June 10.21pm

After leaving London yesterday evening it seems I got to appreciate today what I love most about this country. I have, rather happily, been spending my last 24 hours listening to the giggles of my family members. There’s something so beautiful about just being in a homey place. Today I sat around the dining table with my grandma, my dad, my cousin … the four of us, just picking at grapes and admiring the birds on the table outside. It’s those simple things I will most miss. Sitting and discussing nothing in particular. Laughing but not really knowing what about. I love travelling and I love the family you create when you are away but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to admit knowing you will miss these home comforts. I’m glad I spent the day here, flicking through useless channels on the tv, attempting to make a cake because using the oven seemed like the perfect warming thing to do when in this rather windy weather about which seemed keen on pelting down rain all day, or even just snoozing on the sofa whilst dozing in and out of the surrounding conversations about family members so distant you know who they are but can’t quite decide if you care enough about to listen to the latest gossip on them or not. Yes, of course I will miss all of this.

My cousin, on one of those wonderfully intelligent but highly baffling smart phones, today pulled up a description of my name. I knew in Polish it signified “a little boat” but until today I was unaware that it also had Indian connections. She told me I was meant to be ‘full of life but easily distracted’. I usually wouldn’t listen to “what your name means” articles but it seemed so apt in the moment. I have loved today, I have loved this year, but I know my mind is so eager to keep moving, as it will be by the end of next year I am sure…

It’s feels somewhat strange that I’m starting to think about China and leaving the United Kingdom yet tomorrow evening I will be back in ‘my bedroom’.  I will be surrounded by the cats I grew up with, the air I learnt to dance in, the water I like to swim in. I will be catching-up with my mum over mojitos and during walks along the beach. The sky will stay light throughout most the evening and the sun won’t have even set before its rising again. The heat will be intense and the breeze will be refreshing. Until now I think I seemed to forget that I am returning to Spain. Even typing this, thinking ahead to twenty-four hours in the future seems so surreal…Tapas, chilled drinks, anklets and flipflops … it seems so surreal to think that will be tomorrow.

I think tonight I’m just left in a peculiar middle-man mood – I’m saying goodbye and saying hello. I am slightly tearful and reminiscent of all that this year has allowed me yet filled with warmth in knowing that soon I’ll be in and amongst that Spanish feeling  of life I have often dreamed of this year. I can’t quite believe how lucky I am to get to experience the best of both of these worlds.

Vegan of course :-)

Sunday 17^th June 16:34

I didn’t update my blog with the above post yesterday mainly due to my attention span of a goldfish. One minute I was typing and before I knew it I seemed to be away with the fairies. I don’t even remember falling asleep. I’m now sat on the plane to Spain! Though delayed by a couple of hours everyone around seems in such happy spirits. As much as I love the dramatic shivering-ly cold often described as miserable but more usually in my opinion romantic weather of Great Britain, I must admit the prospect of sun, sea and sand seems to be keeping everyone in a good mood!

I have decided to go on a diet when in Spain. It’s more of a ruthless regime of eating only melons and broccoli. I thought I would start as soon as I reached home as this is the one place I can have full control of what I eat but as the crew just passed by with cup-a-soups, pot noodles, hula hoops and crackers, I realised there is no better time to start than now! I don’t yet know what target I’m reaching but I’m hoping to make the most of having this free time. I’m determined to go to China with a smile on my face :-)

Wishing On A Dream

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something.

I came to London not looking for anything in particular. My eyes, my heart, my mind - they didn't know what they wanted. I didn't know what I wanted. I got here and I found it.

Thing about life is, knowing what you want is one thing, finding it is another but then making it yours - that's sometimes just not in our control. Maybe that's where my problem is - you can't make somebody else yours.

I wish I could be sad that I'm not leaving with someone else by my side, that someone in particular, but truth be told knowing that they exist in the world means this whole year has been worth it. Before coming to London I didn't know the existence of such a creative soul, such an inspiring mind. I don't know if they have completed my understanding of the world, or more likely shattered it in to an overwhelming oblivion of excitement. Maybe they didn't think I was the nicest thing. Maybe we weren't meant to be more than friends but now I'm excited. If this person wasn't for me, maybe there is someone who is.

I'm leaving London this evening. I've said all my goodbyes. And as I drive away, as I rest my head on the window looking out at the skyline, the skyscrapers, the streetlights, the city - these are not what I'll be thinking about, but instead the glimpses that we shared or the moments of silence in which no words needed to be said. The subtle smiles and the little laughs.

I secretly started collecting records a long time ago and it seems this week my secret got out. It was a little picture in my mind. I couldn't see the faces of who I would share this moment with, but I knew one day I would be happy. I'd be with someone sharing our music, sharing our lives, sharing the skies and the stars and this year I thought I found that person. I'm sat now, typing away, surrounded by the pure beauty of vinyls thinking, I never told them. I never told them about that picture, about the fact that I believed in the 'us' that there one day could have been - but that's ok. Maybe I'll just keep collecting. Maybe I've got so much more to discover before I share that dream with someone in reality. Maybe this person was just never meant to know. 

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

Hey, I Heard You Were A Wild One! x

I made a friend in the first week of living in London and now we’re at the end of our year. I sat and drunk with him today. Just like our first night together. We chatted, we laughed, we checked out waiters and we discussed our plans for life… we were the same two people that met all the way back in September but so much has happened in those nine months between then and now.

His name is Jp and I don’t know where I would be without him.  He today offered me a gift of sort and in excitement I practically screamed the bar down exclaiming my love for him. This evening when I needed a favour, I rung Jp and he so lovingly with no hesitation told me he would try all that he could to help and get back to me as soon as possible. Again I proclaimed my love for him.

Tonight I’m writing this because I never want him to forget that it is not for his actions that I love him but for the heart and the mind that allows those actions to take place. He, like all of us, is a person who has made mistakes, but without this we truly would not learn. What I will say is that if he has ever done anything that one may consider wrong then it has never been with mal-intentions.

My love for this man I fear I would not be able to express to him so vividly because he is the person who makes me laugh. He puts a smile on my face every time we are in each other’s company  and so  sometimes I don’t know how I could just stop us in our elements to be so serious to admit to him that he has made this year so wonderfully special.

I don’t just love this man, I respect him too. Today we spoke of who we are envious of; who has qualities that  one day we wished to possess. If only he realised he was sat right in front of me. As well as being ridiculously good looking and (most the time) quite humble about it too :) he is perhaps the strongest man I’ve ever come across. He fights his battles without hurting the people around him. He gets knocked off his horse and gets back on with a smile on his face. He has experienced what most wouldn’t even dare to think could happen but still asks first how it is that I’m doing…

Jp if you are ever to read this, I hope you realise how special you are. I hope you come across someone who makes you as happy as you make me and I hope our friendship only grows stronger. I hope that your dreams do come true because there is no person I know who deserves it more than you.

I made a friend in the first week of living in London. His name is Jp and I’m pretty sure he’s a friend for life.  I may not see you for another two years and who knows what will happen between now and then but I can say without doubt that this friendship that we have - it won’t fizzle out and it won’t be lost, it won’t crack nor will it dissolve. I’m not planning to lose what we have any time soon!

Thank you for existing my Portuguese Prince.

Garden of Simple

Today I had a fever. I felt a little bit cheated to be quite honest. I’d looked so forward to spending every last minute I could making the most of London life - be it in my room playing the guitar or out on the streets meeting folk, walking through the leafy pathways between the  towering skyscrapers, taking the tube or the buses, maybe even a ride on one of the infamous Boris Bikes.

With so little energy I instead looked through my most recent photos from the time I have spent in the UK but out of the city I now call home.  Just last week during the golden jubilee celebrations I decided to celebrate what it is that I most treasure. There’s nothing like spending time with your loved ones and when you get to do this in such a delightful setting its makes for an even more special occasion.

Here you see Foxton Locks. The place did something funny to me, a good type of funny. There was a moment in which I sat amongst buttercups and a few springs wild heather. I was on a slope looking over hill after hill. On some there were cows, on others there were sheep. Some had fields filled with rapeseed the others with wheat. Directly behind me I could hear the laughter of children, the barks of passing dogs most likely in their element as they soaked up the free feeling ambience of the outside. Amongst the nature and the beings were several canal boats making their way up the hill, travelling the country, seeing the world. In this moment when I sat on the hill, with my best friend and her beautiful boyfriend just thirty seconds away from me, I felt pretty happy to be alive. I think once upon a time, I may have looked around in the same spot and thought everyone else has someone but me. Who do I have? The trees have the leaves, the hills have their fields, the cows have their calves and the sheep their lambs, the dogs have their owners and their owners have their lovers, and who do I have with me right now? But I didn’t think so negatively and I don’t think I have for a long time. I get to have this world. I get to see the beauty of life. I have myself and I think I like who I am. Truth is we don’t have to single out what we don’t have because there is so much more that we do. Foxton Locks made me grateful. It made me realise that you don’t have to travel half way across the world to see beauty. Funnily enough it made me realise I may not have even had to travel to Foxton.

My best friend lives in Leicester as does my Grandma. And I’m leaving. I’m not just going to be in London, I’m going to be far. I’m leaving what I believe makes this world a beautiful place. Does that make me stupid? I’m going to choose to say no, because as I said goodbye to Mel, John and my Nanima - it still didn’t feel like I was losing them. Distance has nothing on beauty.  Family, friendship; they are way stronger than a few miles here or there. Some people think by moving further away you are separated but that’s not true. We’re connected – through oceans and seas and land and trees and thoughts and feelings and everything that makes up this world. Foxton made me realise what I have in England I will never lose, because I don’t want to. Knowing this I believe means I’m more ready than ever to explore what more there is to experience on this intriguing little planet. I’m not scared to be excited any more.

When I first came to live in England once again, just nine months ago, I had the most vulgar opinion of the country. Sure, it had given me a fantastic beginning to childhood; I’d camped by the seas of Whitby, and splashed in the puddles of the Yorkshire dales. I’d had picnics in parks and grown up watching blue peter when it was still showing three times a week. I didn’t hate the England that I used to love, but I feared that in the time I had been away, it would have changed.  What I now realise, is that change is constant.  I shouldn’t have feared a United Kingdom that was different as this is just the natural and obvious way of development but I was most naïve to believe that it could only have gotten worse.

I’m not going to sit here and type about how we are in a great state because as a country we are probably in one of our most dire recent times, but I will say that I have fallen once again in love with the place. Though somehow I feel tempted to say maybe it is specifically London that has stolen my heart, maybe it has been the energy boost I needed ….

I sat yesterday afternoon in a Bethnal Green Garden, watching the day fall asleep and the night awake. Perhaps the most quintessentially British thing to do, a glimmer of sun shone and suddenly there was a Barbeque – but this isn’t something to mock. Instead I believe it is something to inspire us to continue making the most of what we have. Full of good food and wholesome amounts of alcohol, a background playlist worthy of giving it a thumbs up or even two and the sound of chitter chatter as friends catch-up or newbies converse. Being one of the latter I used to think could be a daunting experience but what I realised last night was that the English charm, something now I have returned I realise I very much will have missed, would never let a stranger feel lost.

This will be my last Sunday in England. Though some sort of roast dinner does sound appealing, my surprisingly mild hangover has opted to snuggle in the duvet for as long as my guilty conscience will allow. I live in the big city, one of the capitals of the world perhaps, yet the minute I want to resort to my own space and time, I only have to unlock my door, sit on my bed, play a little music and there is no one that can barge in to me or my thoughts. It sounds silly, but this juxtaposition of the loud and the quiet, the scary world outside and the calm peace within; this is what I love about living here. Maybe I should be out making the most of the sights but the fact that I can choose to stay inside if I so wish means that London most truly now feels like home.

I will be dining at one of my favourite restaurants this evening; a little gallery, which could seat 10 people at most, whose kitchen consists of a man behind his counter, jabbering away so enthusiastically, passionately, about his food, his wine, his life story, and that of his best friends’ too. What seems so surreal is that this will be with three friends I met nearly two years ago in China. It makes me realise how small the world is. Yes, I have had moments this year when I have felt alone, but as I look back over my time here, I realise when you move to London there are other people that have done or are doing the same too. Never are you on your own even if you don’t realise it. I like to think the friends which I have met in London, at least for this year, have become part of a family.

I was scared of coming to London and maybe the following thought means I have not learnt, but somewhere inside of me there is now a little nervousness. Maybe I don’t want to leave…?