I’ve been in a bit of a mood all week and for this reason
haven’t felt the desire to write anything but today it struck me that emotions
are valid no matter whether positive or not. I should be allowed to write how I
feel even if it isn’t the cheery, bubbly Krish I would like to be.
At first I thought I was getting tired of being in Spain. I love this country but it is no longer where my life takes place. This summer is a wonderful break and time to spend with the family before my travels start again but it is a little like being in limbo. I have so many memories and connections with this house, these roads, the scenery but we have both moved on. The people I once knew are no longer here and the people that are here I do not know. I have had a life for the past twelve months in London and I will return to China to start a fresh there but for the mean time I am somewhere I know I will not be staying and that can be a little frustrating for the mind.
Though I think the above makes complete sense I have come to realise that this feeling of needing escape is in fact a pattern in what I have lived of my life so far. I unexpectedly fell in love with the city of London but that doesn’t mean I cherished every moment there. I can without a doubt say I will have left the city at least once a month; to get a chance to breathe, to be exposed to skies that aren’t towered over by grey buildings, to wake up and not hear monstrous traffic jams in which the sirens of ambulances or police cars have no way of moving, to see cows in fields and remember that green grass does in fact exist …
Again, though I loved my time in Beijing I do recall on numerous occasions the cravings for a half decent baguette of bread, a hug from someone familiar, my mum’s home cooking – those comforts you never really think about until they’re not there…
I was this week this told that some people forget to appreciate the present. They either reminisce so much on the past that nothing can ever compare to what experience they have already had or they long for what is to come; always working to achieve that goal, or to reach their destination, but in fact the only thing we can control and the only thing that does exist is what we have now. I think I do appreciate and am grateful for the life I lead this very day but and maybe this but is down to my age or my position in life at the moment, I think I still have in my mind that free spirit that can’t just stay in one position and be happy sitting tight.
Today is good friend of mine’s birthday and I can’t be with him to celebrate. With me being so selfishly miserable for the past few days I haven’t even taken the time out to send his card. Though I have realised this week that I need not deny my feelings because they represent us as a unique person ie no one can have the thoughts that are yours, you may share similar ideas or even agree on certain occasions, but what is in your mind or heart or gut or wherever you like to believe our feelings come from, these cannot be anyone else’s… Though I accept this now, I have realised that I still have so much to learn about controlling how you then deal with these feelings. To have a thought is one thing but to act on it when it will have a resulting effect on those you actually care about that is something I still need to learn to have more of a hold on.
A good friend of mine sent me a song today, You Always Hurt The One You Love. It’s rather apt really because I seem to have over the years taken my insecurities out on the people that mean the most to me so if that is in fact you then for now please take it as a compliment to the closeness of our relationship and I hope that one day soon I will have it in me to just be honest without being an utter bitch or frequent user of the classic silent treatment and mumbling grunts.
It’s a beautiful song so if you have three minutes spare in
your day you really should take a listen. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday and here's to the new week ahead.
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