Life is feeling like one big drinking song and I like it!

I think I can be somewhat pyschotic in my emotions. And I think it runs in my family too. I get jealous, so much so. It's really not nice and though it shows that I really do care about someone, it is more a selfish care than what love should really be about. I noticed this in myself a good couple of years ago now but only recently have I said to myself that such emotions you can work on. I don't mean you can make them go away but you can control how you act on them. I haven't mastered this yet but I believe I am on my way there. I sometimes see someone with the money to do something I would have dreamed of and instead of being bitter I just see it as something to work towards.

I think we label ourselves too much. I was so eager to prove to myself and to the rest of the world that I was a free spirit, but is feeling like you need to do such a thing to live up to a reputation you may have created necessarily the most free spirited way to be living? I have next week off from uni and though it could be a great opportunity to plan a trip away I am quite excited to explore the streets that make this city my home. I used to think you had to travel far to create an epic adventure or you had to have photos to prove your fun times but to hell with that. Next week is going to be for me and not for anyone else and that excites me so much.

I haven't used my camera much yet and sometimes I think that's a good thing. My good friend Mel though made a good point a couple of years ago now that whether or not you share your pictures with people, having them there will in fact keep that day's memory strong for years to come. I like that idea.

I don't have too much to update you with as its been pretty hectic with school life and the epic commute but I definitely am feeling more part of this city than ever before. Every day I cycle the roads in rush hour, grab the tube to the district our uni is in and then bus it to class ... and of course have to do the same for my return home. My bike has found its daily spot at the the tube station as it waits for me to go about my day's tasks and is always happily waiting for my return. Its quite a lovely feeling getting off the tube after the sometimes painfully long hours of Chinese to find two wheels and a little seat for your bum to perch on instead of having to walk back - I don't care if that makes me lazy - it's a good lazy; In years to come I will tell my grandchildren that it kept me involved in the day to day culture of Chinese habits.

I started writing this post at the beginning of the week and since then I may have booked tickets to Inner Mongolia - maybe the whole free spirited thing I do like - who knows. Either way, I'm happy knowing that it feels like I'm going to make the most of being in this incredible country this year as much as I did last time and I can't wait for it to continue.

Mongolian inspired tales to hopefully come shortly! x

  

Mistakes and Miracles

Today I faced a dilemma. A friend asked me a question in which I didn’t have the guts, the balls, the confidence -  the courage to reply in honesty. I don’t know if its better to tell a lie or to not say anything. I think that’s my problem a lot of the time, I question how other people will receive who it is I am, what it is I do, believe, say - So instead I hide behind a façade and truth be told I think its common in all of us, even if you don’t know it.

I haven’t written a post for close to a month now and though not purposefully so it has allowed me the time to think about how I see the Chinese Capital. I think the reason why I fell in love with this place is because it doesn’t act how we often do. When I say “it” I think I am including the people in this. I know you can’t generalise a whole city – never mind one of the worlds most populated, but in Beijing I feel like my surroundings, everything that this city’s day to day life is based on, is not trying to think of other people before itself but evolving or even just continuing its state of being how it knows best.

Sometimes I see it being a good thing. People spit here. I kind of love this. If you’ve been to Beijing you will understand that spitting really should be considered an art, a skill. It starts with a gathering in your mouth but this can’t softly be rounded up; there has to be a pull, a drag from the back of your throat which extends in to somewhat of a roar, a bellow from quite deep within … there is an aim, usually to your side as to avoid targeting other people (most the time) and a power in the grand finale exit. I love Beijing spitting not because I have some sort of weird fetish for saliva but because Beijingers and most of China don’t see it as something bad. You’re letting out the unhealthyness, the shit that basically shouldn’t remain in your body. In particular after the Olympics (where spitting was banned from buses) it became more well known that public spitting isn’t an international and most definitely not a western concept – but this doesn’t affect such habits. I have respect for that. There seems to be a belief in themselves and their ways; maybe it’s a pride. It’s not cocky – In fact some of the most humble people I have ever met have been here – but it’s a sort of confidence in knowledge. I hope to have this one day.

I’m sure a blog specifically about Beijing or China would be incredibly fascinating but I know how many better writers there are out there than me so forgive me if I sound selfish just talking about how I feel instead. Strangely enough I’m going to follow that sentence by telling you that I just can’t feel anything. I don’t know what is happening to my mind or my body but I feel so in limbo. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s not saddening. I love it here and I love it in other places too. I don’t think I am questioning where I am, or even who I am, it just feels a little like this is a stepping stone in which I don’t know what it is I am here for. Of course there is my degree, but practicalities aside, I don’t think I know right now where I’m at as an individual.  

I’m sure you all know what its like, probably more than me, to put all your energy in to something. That was my London last year and I hate that it feels like everything I did was a waste. I put everything I had, all my belief in to someone who ended up being no one and though I don’t pain for them, it has made me emotionally drained to want to try again, and I hate that, I hate them for it. How dare they eat in to what my Beijing journey should continue to be. I’m glad I know this now as it means I can hopefully move on soon – I’m not in denial. I just think last year’s failure has caused this year’s false start. Hate is a strong word, I’m probably being melodramatic.

I am so lucky to be in this incredible city that has and will teach me so much. I’m meeting new people but am also here with my best friend. I'm returning to places I already love but also get to visit all the wonderments my eyes have not yet had the chance to be amazed by. I don’t think many people get that chance, and so I do want to make the most of it – I’ve promised to myself I will – I just wish my head and my heart would quickly reunite and beginning macking those tracks together before its too late. I don’t want to waste this year either.

I hope, especially if you’re my close family,  that this doesn’t come across like I am sad. I am far from it. I have smiled and laughed genuinely every day since I have been here - but I think I’m over thinking things. I’m sure we all have those days, moments, stages in our lives where we don’t feel picture perfect – it doesn’t necessarily mean we need to worry – I assume sometimes you just have to live through it to make you ready for whatever is to next to come I think. I’m hoping that’s the case :)

And if not it seems we're going to have enough Chinese work from Uni to keep my mind distracted from however bad I'm feeling! I'm quite excited for this too though so who knows maybe it could actually be my saviour! Night for now. 

It is 3.36am on our second morning in Sweden. It seems that as in London my mind has kept in the habit of waking at first sign of light despite the fact that the sun seems to be rising a good 5 hours before the time I am used to! I am debating whether or not to go out for a jog but don’t yet want to tire myself out before the day has even started. Maybe in an hour or so.

I don’t know how I can successfully describe in words the beauty that is Sweden (or at least the Sweden we have been lucky enough to visit so far). Last night when walking back to the little house I am sleeping in, I looked up to spot the moon but instead came across more stars than I have seen in my life, and I am someone who has spent many a night star gazing! Whilst driving from one town to another I look out of the window to see more the fir trees taller than the highest skyscrapers you can imagine, and there are thousands of them too.  Even when walking up the path to the family house we have been invited to it seems that my nose tingles with excitement from the scents of the freshest harvest I again have ever come across, though in this case I must admit I do not often go around smelling harvests! I think after this trip I will do so more often. 

The Views of Norrby's Fields and Lake.

You can’t deny that this area of Sweden, as for many other parts of the country I am sure, has money or wealth of some sort and I used to believe I would prefer to visit countries that may be a little less well off (was this me being ignorant for adventure and experience?) but what has dawned on me is that this affluence doesn’t seemed to have changed the beautiful values that Sweden has grown up with. Family is important, and not in a political and “pressure of duty” way like I believe many indian families will come across on a day to day basis, but instead they have pure appreciation, respect and love for those that mean something to them. Maybe anyone who has this element in life is blessed with a different type of wealth, maybe that’s why everyone seems so happy here and not because of the fortune of Swedish kroners they sit on…though a combination of the two must be nice!

We are here to say goodbye to Nai and though it could have felt a little daunting at first the idea of her being all the way in Scandinavia, visiting the country and meeting her beautiful friends and their families seems to have reassured both my Nanima (grandma) and my immediate family of any doubts we could have ever have had before. In fact now it makes so much sense why she wanted to move! How could you not fall in love with such a healthy happy country?

Mum and Daughter on a Swedish Summer's Day

We have now landed in Stockholm …. More Sweden Posts Definitely To Come …. But I keep finding only a few moments here or there to connect to internet!

Mi Casita en la belleza que es España

Its been a while since I've written a proper post. Its not because I haven't been enjoying life, in fact I think my lack of writing may be due to a happy acceptance of life in a spanish summer. After moving from London and the buzz of city life I am sure at first I felt the need to convince myself I was filling my time with events and moments that would then justify my reason for leaving the cool capital and this blog in hindsight will have acted as evidence of that. Now, I realise it is a fantastic way to remind myself that life is cool wherever you are. I'm pretty lucky to have youth, health and happiness on my side so why should I feel the need to compete different parts of my life against each other.

Its rather weird to think that having settled into a little bit of a routine; going for nightly swims and jogs, creating  rather epic lunch time salads and evening experimental vegan delights, exploring our magical city and its surroundings on weekends .... I now am packing to move away again. This weekend will be the last one that my family spends together in Alicante (ie the three of us) in a good year. I really don't understand where the time has gone...

Its been a lovely couple of weeks after Nai's graduation filled with cuddles from new born babies which just catapulted me in to a mood of broodiness and complete and utter fascination that everyday we bring in to the world these beautiful tiny little beings who so innocently just lie in their mum or dad's arms not yet knowing that there is a whole world out there further a field than the boobies of one's mum. We also got to celebrate my dad's birthday which I seem to had forgotten last year but gladly we could make up for it in style! With walks along one of our coast's most stunning beaches, paella by the harbour, mojiots in a newly discovered  and rather generous happyhour bar and ending the weekend with a perfectly spiced tarka daal - what more could you ask for when you have good company, good food, good drink and a perfect location?

I used to think I could never move back to Spain and that as much as I loved the place, it would feel like I was taking a step backwards. Though of course I want to see and experience as much of the world as possible and plan to make this happen, I've come to realise that there is no way I couldn't be happy here.

I hope I write another post before leaving for Sweden but if not than at least it is in writing how much I have enjoyed my time in this little gem that is my home in Spain :) 

Everybody's Smiling In The Sunlight :)

This picture above has become one of my favourite pictures of all time. I have to admit we have quite a few keen photographers in the family so there are lots of pics to choose from but this snapshot from the weekend   makes me smile every time I see it. I have for so long had this gorgeous numpty in my life. She's an intelligent inspiration who at the same time can be the silliest billy I know! Though we have our disagreements and bickering debates which can often be solved by a good old foot fight I also know how much I respect her opinion. This is me and my auntie Nai. For those of you who don't know our family too well Naieya is my mum's youngest sister. With just four years between us we were often when younger and are still sometimes mistaken for sisters when out together as a family ... I think that's the reason I love this pic so much. It seems to have captured us as niece and aunt, two sisters and close friends. I love that I can look at it and see a million memories we have shared together up until this point and though we are now going to be living lives even more further apart than ever before I'm quite excited to see how we will catch up and keep in each other's lives! I love this pic because it reminds me how cool it is to have a pretty awesome family. 

Important Stepping Stones Are Surprisingly Beautiful

I love when you realise that you are over someone. Of course when you have had feelings for another person the memories of them will never leave you. You may look back and smile at how you once regarded them, how you thought you wouldn't meet someone like them again ... but there is nothing like the relief of knowing you are over that unrequited love. I am not going to write a long passage about the person I have spent so long caring for because I quite frankly no longer thing they are worth it. I did want to write something though, mainly because I want to know that I can look back at this post and remember the evening when I realised I was happy to be me and very much happy to not need anyone around me, by my side, to make that me complete. I am my own person and I hope one day to find someone to share my life with but for now I am utterly content with what I've got! Couldn't have been a better start to the week :) x

Once You've Learnt To Fly, Coming Down Must Be The Hardest Thing.

I’ve been in a bit of a mood all week and for this reason haven’t felt the desire to write anything but today it struck me that emotions are valid no matter whether positive or not. I should be allowed to write how I feel even if it isn’t the cheery, bubbly Krish I would like to be.

At first I thought I was getting tired of being in Spain. I love this country but it is no longer where my life takes place. This summer is a wonderful break and time to spend with the family before my travels start again but it is a little like being in limbo. I have so many memories and connections with this house, these roads, the scenery but we have both moved on. The people I once knew are no longer here and the people that are here I do not know. I have had a life for the past twelve months in London and I will return to China to start a fresh there but for the mean time I am somewhere I know I will not be staying and that can be a little frustrating for the mind.

Though I think the above makes complete sense I have come to realise that this feeling of needing escape is in fact a pattern in what I have lived of my life so far. I unexpectedly fell in love with the city of London but that doesn’t mean I cherished every moment there. I can without a doubt say I will have left the city at least once a month; to get a chance to breathe, to be exposed to skies that aren’t towered over by grey buildings, to wake up and not hear monstrous traffic jams in which the sirens of ambulances or police cars have no way of moving, to see cows in fields and remember that green grass does in fact exist …
Again, though I loved my time in Beijing I do recall on numerous occasions the cravings for a half decent baguette of bread, a hug from someone familiar, my mum’s home cooking – those comforts you never really think about until they’re not there…

I was this week this told that some people forget to appreciate the present. They either reminisce so much on the past that nothing can ever compare to what experience they have already had or they  long for what is to come; always working to achieve that goal, or to reach their destination, but in fact the only thing we can control and the only thing that does exist is what we have now. I think I do appreciate and am grateful for the life I lead this very day but and maybe this but is down to my age or my position in life at the moment, I think I still have in my mind that free spirit that can’t just stay in one position and be happy sitting tight.

Today is good friend of mine’s birthday and I can’t be with him to celebrate. With me being so selfishly miserable for the past few days I haven’t even taken the time out to send his card. Though I have realised this week that I need not deny my feelings because they represent us as a unique person ie no one can have the thoughts that are yours, you may share similar ideas or even agree on certain occasions, but what is in your mind or heart or gut or wherever you like to believe our feelings come from, these cannot be anyone else’s… Though I accept this now, I have realised that I still have so much to learn about controlling how you then deal with these feelings. To have a thought is one thing but to act on it when it will have a resulting effect on those you actually care about that is something I still need to learn to have more of a hold on. 

A good friend of mine sent me a song today, You Always Hurt The One You Love. It’s rather apt really because I seem to have over the years taken my insecurities out on the people that mean the most to me so if that is in fact you then for now please take it as a compliment to the closeness of our relationship and I hope that one day soon I will have it in me to just be honest without being an utter bitch or frequent user of the classic silent treatment and mumbling grunts.

It’s a beautiful song so if you have three minutes spare in your day you really should take a listen.  Enjoy the rest of your Sunday and here's to the new week ahead.