Mistakes and Miracles

Today I faced a dilemma. A friend asked me a question in which I didn’t have the guts, the balls, the confidence -  the courage to reply in honesty. I don’t know if its better to tell a lie or to not say anything. I think that’s my problem a lot of the time, I question how other people will receive who it is I am, what it is I do, believe, say - So instead I hide behind a façade and truth be told I think its common in all of us, even if you don’t know it.

I haven’t written a post for close to a month now and though not purposefully so it has allowed me the time to think about how I see the Chinese Capital. I think the reason why I fell in love with this place is because it doesn’t act how we often do. When I say “it” I think I am including the people in this. I know you can’t generalise a whole city – never mind one of the worlds most populated, but in Beijing I feel like my surroundings, everything that this city’s day to day life is based on, is not trying to think of other people before itself but evolving or even just continuing its state of being how it knows best.

Sometimes I see it being a good thing. People spit here. I kind of love this. If you’ve been to Beijing you will understand that spitting really should be considered an art, a skill. It starts with a gathering in your mouth but this can’t softly be rounded up; there has to be a pull, a drag from the back of your throat which extends in to somewhat of a roar, a bellow from quite deep within … there is an aim, usually to your side as to avoid targeting other people (most the time) and a power in the grand finale exit. I love Beijing spitting not because I have some sort of weird fetish for saliva but because Beijingers and most of China don’t see it as something bad. You’re letting out the unhealthyness, the shit that basically shouldn’t remain in your body. In particular after the Olympics (where spitting was banned from buses) it became more well known that public spitting isn’t an international and most definitely not a western concept – but this doesn’t affect such habits. I have respect for that. There seems to be a belief in themselves and their ways; maybe it’s a pride. It’s not cocky – In fact some of the most humble people I have ever met have been here – but it’s a sort of confidence in knowledge. I hope to have this one day.

I’m sure a blog specifically about Beijing or China would be incredibly fascinating but I know how many better writers there are out there than me so forgive me if I sound selfish just talking about how I feel instead. Strangely enough I’m going to follow that sentence by telling you that I just can’t feel anything. I don’t know what is happening to my mind or my body but I feel so in limbo. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s not saddening. I love it here and I love it in other places too. I don’t think I am questioning where I am, or even who I am, it just feels a little like this is a stepping stone in which I don’t know what it is I am here for. Of course there is my degree, but practicalities aside, I don’t think I know right now where I’m at as an individual.  

I’m sure you all know what its like, probably more than me, to put all your energy in to something. That was my London last year and I hate that it feels like everything I did was a waste. I put everything I had, all my belief in to someone who ended up being no one and though I don’t pain for them, it has made me emotionally drained to want to try again, and I hate that, I hate them for it. How dare they eat in to what my Beijing journey should continue to be. I’m glad I know this now as it means I can hopefully move on soon – I’m not in denial. I just think last year’s failure has caused this year’s false start. Hate is a strong word, I’m probably being melodramatic.

I am so lucky to be in this incredible city that has and will teach me so much. I’m meeting new people but am also here with my best friend. I'm returning to places I already love but also get to visit all the wonderments my eyes have not yet had the chance to be amazed by. I don’t think many people get that chance, and so I do want to make the most of it – I’ve promised to myself I will – I just wish my head and my heart would quickly reunite and beginning macking those tracks together before its too late. I don’t want to waste this year either.

I hope, especially if you’re my close family,  that this doesn’t come across like I am sad. I am far from it. I have smiled and laughed genuinely every day since I have been here - but I think I’m over thinking things. I’m sure we all have those days, moments, stages in our lives where we don’t feel picture perfect – it doesn’t necessarily mean we need to worry – I assume sometimes you just have to live through it to make you ready for whatever is to next to come I think. I’m hoping that’s the case :)

And if not it seems we're going to have enough Chinese work from Uni to keep my mind distracted from however bad I'm feeling! I'm quite excited for this too though so who knows maybe it could actually be my saviour! Night for now.