Thinking Of The Horizon

A power cut took out our phone and internet connection on Friday night and we’ve lasted a good few days without it now! I don’t know the ins and outs of the physics behind it to be honest as I’m far from a scientist but I do know that those moments of being disconnected from your world orientated around the computer can be quite refreshing.  In a way it has made the days much longer and I like this feeling.  Moments of glimpsing at someone’s Facebook profile haven’t turned in to hours but instead we’ve got out, made the most of our time together as a family, and actually talked to one another.

It was my first Friday here with the family and we celebrated in what is apparently the new end of week tradition with a trip to our local Italian where mum is complimented by the waiter and offered free mojitos whilst dad and I were happy with the football on in the background! Though unfortunately Greece didn’t hammer Germany – which we thought would be nice for them given their economic situation – we did have a wonderful evening. It was nothing out of the ordinary but that is what I loved about it so much. Laughter about those things that we always laugh about…

As much as Friday was a good start to the weekend nothing could beat our Saturday afternoon. I sat on a rock, at what felt like the edge of the world. The waves, thousands of them, having trekked across the Mediterranean were finally reaching the shores, with this calmness to their roars as they subtly thumped against me, my toes, my legs, as if they were excited to just reach home. Only a couple of hours before we had spent the morning with a family friend who is now old now and though it seems scary to admit probably doesn’t have much time left with us.  I see her and the life she has lived and feel inspired. She was the first Spanish woman to leave our town, to go abroad, to study in a university – where she went on to lecture, to teach others, she travelled the world and she smiled as she did so. What is sad to see is that talking to her, and seeing her now, she is someone who only sees herself in the light of which she is presented today;  as someone who needs to be fed, who needs help to move, who doesn’t have long left and with the time that she does have – what can she do but just sit and wait? My dad has always told me that we as a society don’t realise how difficult it must be to get old, to have lived a life where you were in control of yourself and your actions and suddenly one day you wake up and you’re dependent on others and the people around you and you don’t know why, for what reason you are now living – and I think he’s right. But if anything, knowing this just makes me want to make most of the time in which I have the ability to feel happy now. I slate modern technology so much, even in this blog post I talk of how refreshing it is to have a no internet but I am such a big hypocrite as I’m using a computer to type away, to communicate, to keep in touch right now. And truth be told maybe it is a good thing too. Though it can be used in the wrongs ways or without moderation which can be unhealthy, it’s allowing me to easily keep track of what I have done, what I’m proud of. Maybe when I’m eighty which I hope I do get to, when I’m sitting being fed, I can have all these moments of my youth, of growing up, in front of me – easy to access – easy to see that if one day soon I am to pass, then I can go happily knowing and remembering that I’ve done a good job with the life I was given. Of course I could be wrong - maybe until we get there we don’t realise how difficult it is. I don’t have an answer to my query, I don’t even know where this thought is leading but I do know that when I sat on that rock, I felt so unbelievably happy to exist.

I always try and convince my parents to move away from Spain, to continue seeing more of the world but then when I was sat on the coast on Saturday I genuinely felt like I could just be there forever. I felt like I'd found that place that was accepting me for me ... To be honest I couldn't think of anywhere more perfect to spend my time before the crazy year that lies ahead ...

Happy Summer Solstice Everyone :)

I woke up and this was the view from my front door though those of you who know our house well will know that we also have a slightly uglier view from our house if you look in the other direction but I am happy with tilting my head to the right every time I need to walk out of the door :-)

My mum and I went in to our local town of Santa Pola last night and bought a few herbs for the garden. I woke up this morning and felt the need to make sure I watered the rosemary. I for so long was mocked by my father (and probably still am) for being a “lazy so and so” but this morning a little part of me exited my body and just watched what I was doing. It sounds so simple but a couple of years ago I probably would have forgotten that we’d even bought any sort of plant! Of course only time will tell as to whether I care enough to water it every day but I like to know that I’ve started with good intentions.

Though it is wonderful to be back in Spain it feels slightly odd. As much as the town that I live in holds wonderful memories of me and the time I spent here growing up and my house remains one of the places I am most comfortable in the world, it is surreal to come back to a place where your life no longer continues. I went to an international school in Spain where people come and go like mass manufactured pop songs meaning most the friends I did make and even their families no longer live here. I used to think I was one who could go out and meet people without the need to know anyone but now I’ve come to the conclusion that I only like to do this when I know I have a secure circle to go back to if all else fails – maybe that’s selfish of me? So here, right now, in my Spanish life of 2012, I am watching my mum have more of a social life than me! I quite like this though; it makes me think that when I am married and have my own children who seem to have all grown up, I will still be cool – socialising, happy, making the most of life. Even as I was typing this paragraph I was summoned up to my mother’s room to do up the zip to her “summer is now here and we show this by wearing white” dress. She is off out, dining with friends in what feels like a Santa Pola version of a Sex and the City catch up! And me, my plans for the evening: another swim, a little more music, rustle something up in the kitchen (of course with our newly bought basil leaves) and play a little more guitar?

Definitely the sexiest señora of Santa Pola!

Once upon a time, in fact only a few months ago, I was the one getting dressed up, hitting the town, and now even the people I always thought would be here seemed to have begun their own paths … I am happy for them though :-) … and even grateful. Just because I sit here and type about being on my own most the day, it doesn’t actually mean I’m sad. I have loved being able to listen to my own music, not be worried about anyone hearing & hating the racket I make when I attempt to play the guitar and even not having anyone swim faster than me in the pool. It sounds silly but I think maybe this summer I’m getting the time and the space I needed to just learn to be comfortable with me :)

Hasta Luego Londres....Hello Spain...

Saturday 16^th June 10.21pm

After leaving London yesterday evening it seems I got to appreciate today what I love most about this country. I have, rather happily, been spending my last 24 hours listening to the giggles of my family members. There’s something so beautiful about just being in a homey place. Today I sat around the dining table with my grandma, my dad, my cousin … the four of us, just picking at grapes and admiring the birds on the table outside. It’s those simple things I will most miss. Sitting and discussing nothing in particular. Laughing but not really knowing what about. I love travelling and I love the family you create when you are away but I don’t think it’s a bad thing to admit knowing you will miss these home comforts. I’m glad I spent the day here, flicking through useless channels on the tv, attempting to make a cake because using the oven seemed like the perfect warming thing to do when in this rather windy weather about which seemed keen on pelting down rain all day, or even just snoozing on the sofa whilst dozing in and out of the surrounding conversations about family members so distant you know who they are but can’t quite decide if you care enough about to listen to the latest gossip on them or not. Yes, of course I will miss all of this.

My cousin, on one of those wonderfully intelligent but highly baffling smart phones, today pulled up a description of my name. I knew in Polish it signified “a little boat” but until today I was unaware that it also had Indian connections. She told me I was meant to be ‘full of life but easily distracted’. I usually wouldn’t listen to “what your name means” articles but it seemed so apt in the moment. I have loved today, I have loved this year, but I know my mind is so eager to keep moving, as it will be by the end of next year I am sure…

It’s feels somewhat strange that I’m starting to think about China and leaving the United Kingdom yet tomorrow evening I will be back in ‘my bedroom’.  I will be surrounded by the cats I grew up with, the air I learnt to dance in, the water I like to swim in. I will be catching-up with my mum over mojitos and during walks along the beach. The sky will stay light throughout most the evening and the sun won’t have even set before its rising again. The heat will be intense and the breeze will be refreshing. Until now I think I seemed to forget that I am returning to Spain. Even typing this, thinking ahead to twenty-four hours in the future seems so surreal…Tapas, chilled drinks, anklets and flipflops … it seems so surreal to think that will be tomorrow.

I think tonight I’m just left in a peculiar middle-man mood – I’m saying goodbye and saying hello. I am slightly tearful and reminiscent of all that this year has allowed me yet filled with warmth in knowing that soon I’ll be in and amongst that Spanish feeling  of life I have often dreamed of this year. I can’t quite believe how lucky I am to get to experience the best of both of these worlds.

Vegan of course :-)

Sunday 17^th June 16:34

I didn’t update my blog with the above post yesterday mainly due to my attention span of a goldfish. One minute I was typing and before I knew it I seemed to be away with the fairies. I don’t even remember falling asleep. I’m now sat on the plane to Spain! Though delayed by a couple of hours everyone around seems in such happy spirits. As much as I love the dramatic shivering-ly cold often described as miserable but more usually in my opinion romantic weather of Great Britain, I must admit the prospect of sun, sea and sand seems to be keeping everyone in a good mood!

I have decided to go on a diet when in Spain. It’s more of a ruthless regime of eating only melons and broccoli. I thought I would start as soon as I reached home as this is the one place I can have full control of what I eat but as the crew just passed by with cup-a-soups, pot noodles, hula hoops and crackers, I realised there is no better time to start than now! I don’t yet know what target I’m reaching but I’m hoping to make the most of having this free time. I’m determined to go to China with a smile on my face :-)

Wishing On A Dream

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something.

I came to London not looking for anything in particular. My eyes, my heart, my mind - they didn't know what they wanted. I didn't know what I wanted. I got here and I found it.

Thing about life is, knowing what you want is one thing, finding it is another but then making it yours - that's sometimes just not in our control. Maybe that's where my problem is - you can't make somebody else yours.

I wish I could be sad that I'm not leaving with someone else by my side, that someone in particular, but truth be told knowing that they exist in the world means this whole year has been worth it. Before coming to London I didn't know the existence of such a creative soul, such an inspiring mind. I don't know if they have completed my understanding of the world, or more likely shattered it in to an overwhelming oblivion of excitement. Maybe they didn't think I was the nicest thing. Maybe we weren't meant to be more than friends but now I'm excited. If this person wasn't for me, maybe there is someone who is.

I'm leaving London this evening. I've said all my goodbyes. And as I drive away, as I rest my head on the window looking out at the skyline, the skyscrapers, the streetlights, the city - these are not what I'll be thinking about, but instead the glimpses that we shared or the moments of silence in which no words needed to be said. The subtle smiles and the little laughs.

I secretly started collecting records a long time ago and it seems this week my secret got out. It was a little picture in my mind. I couldn't see the faces of who I would share this moment with, but I knew one day I would be happy. I'd be with someone sharing our music, sharing our lives, sharing the skies and the stars and this year I thought I found that person. I'm sat now, typing away, surrounded by the pure beauty of vinyls thinking, I never told them. I never told them about that picture, about the fact that I believed in the 'us' that there one day could have been - but that's ok. Maybe I'll just keep collecting. Maybe I've got so much more to discover before I share that dream with someone in reality. Maybe this person was just never meant to know. 

Thunder only happens when it's raining.

Hey, I Heard You Were A Wild One! x

I made a friend in the first week of living in London and now we’re at the end of our year. I sat and drunk with him today. Just like our first night together. We chatted, we laughed, we checked out waiters and we discussed our plans for life… we were the same two people that met all the way back in September but so much has happened in those nine months between then and now.

His name is Jp and I don’t know where I would be without him.  He today offered me a gift of sort and in excitement I practically screamed the bar down exclaiming my love for him. This evening when I needed a favour, I rung Jp and he so lovingly with no hesitation told me he would try all that he could to help and get back to me as soon as possible. Again I proclaimed my love for him.

Tonight I’m writing this because I never want him to forget that it is not for his actions that I love him but for the heart and the mind that allows those actions to take place. He, like all of us, is a person who has made mistakes, but without this we truly would not learn. What I will say is that if he has ever done anything that one may consider wrong then it has never been with mal-intentions.

My love for this man I fear I would not be able to express to him so vividly because he is the person who makes me laugh. He puts a smile on my face every time we are in each other’s company  and so  sometimes I don’t know how I could just stop us in our elements to be so serious to admit to him that he has made this year so wonderfully special.

I don’t just love this man, I respect him too. Today we spoke of who we are envious of; who has qualities that  one day we wished to possess. If only he realised he was sat right in front of me. As well as being ridiculously good looking and (most the time) quite humble about it too :) he is perhaps the strongest man I’ve ever come across. He fights his battles without hurting the people around him. He gets knocked off his horse and gets back on with a smile on his face. He has experienced what most wouldn’t even dare to think could happen but still asks first how it is that I’m doing…

Jp if you are ever to read this, I hope you realise how special you are. I hope you come across someone who makes you as happy as you make me and I hope our friendship only grows stronger. I hope that your dreams do come true because there is no person I know who deserves it more than you.

I made a friend in the first week of living in London. His name is Jp and I’m pretty sure he’s a friend for life.  I may not see you for another two years and who knows what will happen between now and then but I can say without doubt that this friendship that we have - it won’t fizzle out and it won’t be lost, it won’t crack nor will it dissolve. I’m not planning to lose what we have any time soon!

Thank you for existing my Portuguese Prince.

Garden of Simple

Today I had a fever. I felt a little bit cheated to be quite honest. I’d looked so forward to spending every last minute I could making the most of London life - be it in my room playing the guitar or out on the streets meeting folk, walking through the leafy pathways between the  towering skyscrapers, taking the tube or the buses, maybe even a ride on one of the infamous Boris Bikes.

With so little energy I instead looked through my most recent photos from the time I have spent in the UK but out of the city I now call home.  Just last week during the golden jubilee celebrations I decided to celebrate what it is that I most treasure. There’s nothing like spending time with your loved ones and when you get to do this in such a delightful setting its makes for an even more special occasion.

Here you see Foxton Locks. The place did something funny to me, a good type of funny. There was a moment in which I sat amongst buttercups and a few springs wild heather. I was on a slope looking over hill after hill. On some there were cows, on others there were sheep. Some had fields filled with rapeseed the others with wheat. Directly behind me I could hear the laughter of children, the barks of passing dogs most likely in their element as they soaked up the free feeling ambience of the outside. Amongst the nature and the beings were several canal boats making their way up the hill, travelling the country, seeing the world. In this moment when I sat on the hill, with my best friend and her beautiful boyfriend just thirty seconds away from me, I felt pretty happy to be alive. I think once upon a time, I may have looked around in the same spot and thought everyone else has someone but me. Who do I have? The trees have the leaves, the hills have their fields, the cows have their calves and the sheep their lambs, the dogs have their owners and their owners have their lovers, and who do I have with me right now? But I didn’t think so negatively and I don’t think I have for a long time. I get to have this world. I get to see the beauty of life. I have myself and I think I like who I am. Truth is we don’t have to single out what we don’t have because there is so much more that we do. Foxton Locks made me grateful. It made me realise that you don’t have to travel half way across the world to see beauty. Funnily enough it made me realise I may not have even had to travel to Foxton.

My best friend lives in Leicester as does my Grandma. And I’m leaving. I’m not just going to be in London, I’m going to be far. I’m leaving what I believe makes this world a beautiful place. Does that make me stupid? I’m going to choose to say no, because as I said goodbye to Mel, John and my Nanima - it still didn’t feel like I was losing them. Distance has nothing on beauty.  Family, friendship; they are way stronger than a few miles here or there. Some people think by moving further away you are separated but that’s not true. We’re connected – through oceans and seas and land and trees and thoughts and feelings and everything that makes up this world. Foxton made me realise what I have in England I will never lose, because I don’t want to. Knowing this I believe means I’m more ready than ever to explore what more there is to experience on this intriguing little planet. I’m not scared to be excited any more.

When I first came to live in England once again, just nine months ago, I had the most vulgar opinion of the country. Sure, it had given me a fantastic beginning to childhood; I’d camped by the seas of Whitby, and splashed in the puddles of the Yorkshire dales. I’d had picnics in parks and grown up watching blue peter when it was still showing three times a week. I didn’t hate the England that I used to love, but I feared that in the time I had been away, it would have changed.  What I now realise, is that change is constant.  I shouldn’t have feared a United Kingdom that was different as this is just the natural and obvious way of development but I was most naïve to believe that it could only have gotten worse.

I’m not going to sit here and type about how we are in a great state because as a country we are probably in one of our most dire recent times, but I will say that I have fallen once again in love with the place. Though somehow I feel tempted to say maybe it is specifically London that has stolen my heart, maybe it has been the energy boost I needed ….

I sat yesterday afternoon in a Bethnal Green Garden, watching the day fall asleep and the night awake. Perhaps the most quintessentially British thing to do, a glimmer of sun shone and suddenly there was a Barbeque – but this isn’t something to mock. Instead I believe it is something to inspire us to continue making the most of what we have. Full of good food and wholesome amounts of alcohol, a background playlist worthy of giving it a thumbs up or even two and the sound of chitter chatter as friends catch-up or newbies converse. Being one of the latter I used to think could be a daunting experience but what I realised last night was that the English charm, something now I have returned I realise I very much will have missed, would never let a stranger feel lost.

This will be my last Sunday in England. Though some sort of roast dinner does sound appealing, my surprisingly mild hangover has opted to snuggle in the duvet for as long as my guilty conscience will allow. I live in the big city, one of the capitals of the world perhaps, yet the minute I want to resort to my own space and time, I only have to unlock my door, sit on my bed, play a little music and there is no one that can barge in to me or my thoughts. It sounds silly, but this juxtaposition of the loud and the quiet, the scary world outside and the calm peace within; this is what I love about living here. Maybe I should be out making the most of the sights but the fact that I can choose to stay inside if I so wish means that London most truly now feels like home.

I will be dining at one of my favourite restaurants this evening; a little gallery, which could seat 10 people at most, whose kitchen consists of a man behind his counter, jabbering away so enthusiastically, passionately, about his food, his wine, his life story, and that of his best friends’ too. What seems so surreal is that this will be with three friends I met nearly two years ago in China. It makes me realise how small the world is. Yes, I have had moments this year when I have felt alone, but as I look back over my time here, I realise when you move to London there are other people that have done or are doing the same too. Never are you on your own even if you don’t realise it. I like to think the friends which I have met in London, at least for this year, have become part of a family.

I was scared of coming to London and maybe the following thought means I have not learnt, but somewhere inside of me there is now a little nervousness. Maybe I don’t want to leave…?